vent meme??

this is long as hell and gets kind of upsetting 

I AM: loxely, archie, a goddess, purity in and of itself, holy, ready to die

I KNOW: a lot about space, birds, fish, dogs, cats, lizards, snakes, kemeticism, death

I WANT: to disappear

I HAVE: charisma, a death wish

I WISH: i could change my personality to fit my appearance

I HATE: my laugh, some aspects of my smile, my uncontrollable pent up rage, my never ending want to speak, my voice

I MISS: my old school friends

I HEAR: nothing

I SEARCH: for death

I WONDER: about everything, why everything is what it is, how everything is the way it is, why things happen, i wonder about human emotion and about the endless and irrational Pi, about the long forgotten genocides that lead to the deaths of millions, about the wonders of space, how to express emotions properly, how to read them, expand my knowledge on anything and everything i can, i wonder why the birds sing and why i don't take time to do anything i want to unless i absolutely have to do it, i wonder about how i'll change and grow and if i'll become a better person and achieve my goals that i want to achieve, or change what i want to about myself, and how long it'll take to be the ideal person, or who i'll become and who'll remember me and what i'll do when i get older

I REGRET: talking to a girl at my current school and thinking i could trust her not to say anything, i regret expressing my emotions to people i couldn't trust, i regret treating my old friends the way i did, i regret being a bad influence on my old friends, i regret my old self, i regret my 6th and 7th grade self, i regret dating jay (don't know her current name or pronouns, but that's what i last knew her as) and talking to her and i regret thinking i knew about shit i didn't because i don't know a lot like i boast i do, i'm still growing and learning and i've tried to be a better person and be more patient but i've learned over time that that doesn't happen over night and it's a long process

I LOVE: before i start, i'm going to be using this word because love isn't a strong word you can only use on family or your significant other
i love my friends, i love to draw, i love to learn, i love my sister, and i love myself sometimes

I CARE: about my friends, sister, my passions, myself, my grades, my future

I ALWAYS: think about one thing or another, or how i always get put down for my laugh or how i'm so not funny or annoying or stupid or an asshole or how i deserve to die or how i'm an attention hoarder and i think about what i should do and what i shouldn't have done and i'm always holding a grudge i can't let go of

I SING: terribly

I CRY: very often, and i hate to get upset in school but

I WRITE: about things that happen in school, i keep a diary also. and sometimes i write silly poems

I LOSE: my anger, my mind, my control of what i say, i lose friends, i lose tiny items

I TEND TO: become obsessed, become dependent, become annoying to people i consider friends, hate too much, laugh too damn much, curse too much, think about how much i fucking hate myself all the god damn time and how it never fucking ends. it never ends and no one understands clearly the attention i need to get daily to keep myself going and the EFFORT it takes me to not want to die every fucking second on this god damned planet full of hatred and anger. I TEND TO ramble about shit no one really cares about and i also think about how people can be so mean to me and then nice to someone else. i hate how one teacher told me off extremely rudely and then told another student the same thing, but in a nicer, gentler, calmer tone, i fucking hate with all my might what that teacher did and i'll never forget how badly that teacher made me feel

I LISTEN: to rain, to music, to my hallucinations, my impulses, my gut instincts

I NEED: a hug, something to do, to let go, 

I AM HAPPY WHEN: other people are happy, and when good things happen to people who need it, I AM HAPPY WHEN people say that my laugh is funny or when people compliment me

I SHOULD: apologize to all the people who need to be apologized to, I SHOULD stop lying when i don't need to, i should talk less and laugh softer, become more likable, want to live

I CAN’T: think too hard about school or the people in school or the deep ocean and what might lie there because i feel sick and upset. I CAN'T try to change most things i want to change about myself, because it's not possible. I CAN'T give up

I COULD NEVER: do any of the things in the I SHOULD section

I WOULD LOVE TO: have a good friend to just hug and vent to and have a shoulder to cry on and talk to a friend with similar interests
i would love to give up